BY EMMANUEL ODUNAYO OGUNMOLA
TOPIC: SHUTTING THE DOORS OF OUR FAMILIES AGAINST SPOUSAL ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
GOLDEN TEXT: EPHESIANS 4:26-27, 31-32
OTHER REFERENCES: Psalm 37:8, Proverbs 14:29, James 1:19, Proverbs 15:1, Luke 17:1, Proverbs 15:18
Marriage usually starts on the note of love, joy, warmth, harmony, camaraderie and having good feelings for one another. If it starts on an unfriendly, hostile, pugnacious and bellicose manner, the two individuals joined together as husband and wife wouldn’t have married each other in the first instance.
The home, according to God’s plan, is supposed to be a heaven on earth, a haven for the couple, a love nest for the husband and wife, a resort to get a well deserved rest after a hard day’s job, an arena that oozes out the aroma of love between two best friends in marriage and a garden where the couple celebrate their love together.
But the events of recent times have proved to be sad commentaries of what marriage has become; hate has taken the place of love; infidelity has overtaken fidelity; violence has overthrown peace; noise has unseated tranquility and slaps, kicks, bites and blows have been let loose with embraces, hugs, fondness, smiles and kisses between husbands and wives now taking their exits from homes.
Many homes are now hot like ovens and cauldrons, they have been turned to boxing and wrestling rings, where individuals who made vows in the presence of many witnesses in registries, churches, event centres, in-laws’ residences etc to love each other till death do them part have become emergency boxers and wrestlers with children taking up the emergency roles of referees to separate their fighting parents.
The results coming out of such spousal violence are unpalatable: deaths, injuries (sometimes resulting in permanent disabilities), broken heads, loss of limbs, battered noses, dislocated shoulders, hips, fingers, wrists, fractures in other parts of the bodies, burns on the bodies and temporary bruises and permanent scars on the bodies.
The fact that spousal abuse has crept into Christendom is very much alarming, distressing, devastating and disheartening! Christian husbands beating their wives? Christian wives biting their husbands in domestic violence? Some spouses consumed by rage stabbing their better halves with knives? Others smashing the heads of their spouses with turning rods and pestles? How did we get here?
Punches, kicks, bites, belts, headbutts, fingernails, are now some of the weapons spouses now use to settle scores. Some angry spouses even set the fathers and mothers of their children on fire! Yes, husbands pouring petrol on their wives and setting them ablaze and wives wetting their husbands with fuel and seeing them on fire! What a gory and insane scenario?
Why have hitherto happy marriages suddenly turned toxic? Why has the sweet air of marriage hitherto enjoyed by the couple now fouled by bitter feelings and tension that has become thick to extent that it can be sliced with knife? We should not pretend that all is well in many Christian homes judging by news we hear on traditional and social media.
Husbands and wives where such horror shows are taking place have opened their doors to the thief. Who is that thief? He is Mr. Devil (Read John 10:10). The thief has stealthily entered such homes and he has turned them to hell. The thief has stolen the joy of such families, the thief has killed the peace of such homes and the results are the destructions being witnessed in such families today including Christian families.
For peace to return to such families, they must open their doors for the Prince of Peace (Jesus Christ) to come in. They must open their hearts for Jesus Christ to take a permanent residence there. Without taking this step, peace will continue to elude such troubled and beleaguered homes.
Let everybody (the feuding husbands and wives) acknowledge and confess his or her sins and forsake them, seek forgiveness from one another, apologize to one another, review their relationship together, learn to pray together, spend time together, learn to manage their temper and overcome anger, seek the peace of the home and imbibe fruits of the Spirit. This is not the time for trading of blames and accusations.
Husbands, stop beating your wives. Wives, stop attacking your husbands. Spouses, stop killing yourselves. Why do you deliberately want to make yourself a widower (as a husband)? Why do you want to render yourself a widow (as a wife) when your act of violence takes the life of your spouse? Have you asked yourself that question? Why do you deliberately want your children to become fatherless or motherless? Who loses?
Because we are human beings whose desires and pursuits are mutually incompatible, there are bound to be disagreements and quarrels. It happens among couples because we are human beings and we see things differently but we should not allow our disagreements to degenerate into physical attacks and assaults.
Life is very delicate and tender; also, think about the implications of your actions. Anybody that physically assaults his wife or her husband is playing with the sword of the law and the law will definitely take its course. If anybody kills his wife or her husband, he or she will face the full wrath of the law and will face the charge of murder.
Such thing will bring negative image and bad publicity to the family, such an individual will acquire notoriety. Anybody undergoing murder trial will not be released from prison custody until the case is finished, so the new wife he wants to marry or the next husband she wants to marry will no longer be possible and upon conviction, death sentence is the penalty.
SOME CAUSES OF VIOLENCE BETWEEN HUSBANDS AND WIVES
i. POOR UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT MARRIAGE ENTAILS: Many who enter into matrimony don’t have a proper understanding of the institution they are coming into. Some individuals are bereft of the knowledge of understanding of what marriage is all about. Some husbands see women as conquered species and that is why the resort to battering their wives at the slightest provocation The Bible tells husbands to “live with their wives with understanding.” Marriage entails forgiveness, tolerance, sacrifice, commitment, patience, perseverance and not your own selfish desires.
ii. INCOMPATIBILITY: This is one of the factors that must be sorted out during courtship. Do you share similar ideas, ideals, interests, philosophies, vision and mind? Will you be ready to subsume your idiosyncracies to accommodate those of your spouse? Will your characters, likes, dislikes, match each other? How do you resolve your differences and understand that you have become a couple who are bound to live together and allow love to subdue your differences for the sake of each other? Unmarried youths, take time to understand the person you want to marry, don’t be blinded by love and personal gains. According to Amos 3:3, “can two walk together except they be agreed?”
iii. LACK OF FEAR OF GOD: Whether you married your spouse by error, default or you deliberately chose him or her, he or she is a gift from God. He or she was a creature of God, so raising your hand against him or her is an anathema that should not be allowed to happen. God hates it. Battering your spouse is an indication that you don’t fear God and that should not be a reaction to any offence he or she has committed against you.
iv. ANGER/VOLATILE TEMPERAMENT: No spousal abuse happens without anger; domestic violence is usually triggered by pent-up anger and negative emotions already bottled up for some period of time. There is no way people, especially one’s spouse will not make one to be angry. You need to be calm in the face of provocation and be a master of yourself. Always work on your temperament and don’t lose your head in a fit of rage. Anger can be controlled and subdued for you not to do something that will land you in trouble. There is need to learn anger management by couples for their families to be peaceful and prevent avoidable deaths.
v. HARD DRUGS/ALCOHOLISM: A good number of spousal abuses and domestic violence resulted from addiction to hard drugs and excessive intake of alcohol which alter the behavioral patterns of the affected spouses. Consumption of hard drugs like cannabis sativa otherwise known as Indian hemp (igbo), tramadol, codeine, cocaine, heroin and other substances is believed to be the trigger of violence between some couples in their homes. Some spouses who are chronic alcoholics resort to attacks on their partners after they might have engaged in reckless drinking binge. Huge spending on booze to the detriment of the welfare of the family is one of the thorny issues that spark conflicts among couples many of which degenerate into physical assaults sometimes leading to avoidable loss of lives, serious injuries and destruction of property.
vi. NAGGING AND MISUSE OF TONGUES: Nagging at home is very common to the womenfolk and it is one of the causes of fights at home. Apart from nagging, some wives have very caustic and razor-sharp tongues with which they rain curses, abuses and all forms of expletives on their husbands. Curiously, some men also nag and pour abusive and vitriolic remarks on their wives and this cause tension in the home which result in physical attacks. It is demeaning and ungodly for couples to curse and hurl derogatory remarks at one another, their parents and in-laws when they are seized by moments of “temporary madness” and later be regretting the action. Words are like eggs, when they fall down, they can never be retrieved again.
vii. PEER PRESSURE/BAD COMPANY: It is very unfortunate that we have husbands and wives who are influenced by their friends to take to violence while locked in disagreement with their spouses. Good friends should always seek amicable and peaceful settlement of quarrels in embattled families and not to be instigating violence and abuses of offending spouses.
viii. MARITAL INFIDELITY: No normal husband or wife will want to share his/her spouse with any other person. Unfaithfulness to marital vows has been identified as a major cause of domestic violence in the home. Adultery is a sin against God and against one’s spouse hence married men and women must desist from it. Be faithful to your wife, be faithful to your husband and this will deepen love in the home. Strange women and mistresses have caused havocs to many homes while strange men and men friends have become nightmares to hitherto stable homes. The discovery of lurid, amorous text messages from mistresses, men friends and ex’s on the phones of some married men and women have driven their spouses crazy and this, on many occasions, result in physical combats leading to loss of lives. Some men have been assassinated for pursuing other men’s wives while some women have been attacked with acid and hot water for attempting to snatch other women’s husbands. Don’t die untimely as a result of adultery, your spouse and your children need you to be alive for them. Husbands and wives, let us be faithful to our marriage vows and let us settle such matters amicably without allowing it to lead to loss of lives. Our homes should not turn to cemeteries.
ix. PSYCHOLOGICAL/MENTAL IMBALANCE: Some acts of physical violence at homes could be traced to psychological or mental imbalance of either of the two spouses in marriage. No human being suffering from psychological disorder or mental imbalance can behave normally hence individuals with such proven cases should be assisted to see trained psychologists and psychiatrists to assist them regain sanity to behave normally in their matrimonial homes.
x. INFERIORITY COMPLEX: Success, attainments and accomplishments of one’s spouse should be a thing of joy and not source of envy or jealousy. We have some husbands who are envious of the success of their illustrious wives and would want to “deal with them by cutting them to size.” There are some wives who are not comfortable with the rising profiles of their accomplished husbands and may want to level unfounded allegations against them to deliberately provoke them to anger. Your husband’s success is yours and your wife’s success belongs to you, so don’t allow inferiority complex to drive a wedge between both of you.
xi. NEGATIVE UPBRINGING: This another factor responsible for spousal abuse and domestic violence. Some husbands grew up seeing their fathers beat up their mothers which they see as normal. This influence their behaviour in adult life in which they beat their wives also. If care is not taken, their sons may be beating their wives in future except their is a change of orientation somehow.
WHAT TO DO WHEN SPOUSAL VIOLENCE PERSISTS
i. SPEAK OUT: Don’t hide or be silent about it. Inform your parents, in-laws, spiritual leaders and other confidants about any act of domestic violence to allow for their needed intervention. When going through spousal abuse, there is need to tell somebody to prevent sudden loss of life.
ii. SEEK COUNSEL: When you are going through spousal abuse, you need the counsel of professionals who will assist you in your time of need. Seek the advice of counsellors, psychologists, lawyers etc on what to do and how to handle your situation.
iii. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN: The abused spouse must factor in the interest of the children and should work out how they can be safe from the raging beast his or her spouse has become. The children should be taken to a safe place where they will be spared of the domestic horror and continue their education.
iv. SECURE YOUR PERSONAL EFFECTS: Ensure that valuable assets like educational, professional and marriage certificates and other key personal effects are moved to a safer place. We have heard of husbands/wives who set the certificates of their spouses ablaze because of domestic disagreements. Prevention is better than cure.
v. GO FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT: The abused spouse should submit himself/or herself to medical treatment of bruises, wounds and infections suffered in the course of domestic violence. Access to healthcare are available at primary, secondary and tertiary health institutions around. This one of the first steps a brutalized partner in marriage must take. Health is wealth and it should be accorded a priority.
vi. LEAVE THE HOUSE TO A SAFER PLACE: Some abused wives are usually cajoled back to the house when the abusive husband and his family beg promising that nothing of such would happen again. But experience has shown that old habits die hard, some of them who were begged to return eventually died from the brutality of the same husbands. So, when spousal abuse persists, the wise decision is to leave the house so that the abused spouse will not lose his or her life. It must be stated that separation from the abusive spouse does not amount to divorce, the abused spouse must save his/her life first to live long and still realize his/her dreams in life. Leaving the home is to prevent fatality and an opportunity for the violent spouse to regain sanity, have a rethink and see whether he/she would show any sense of remorse but an early return is not advisable. There must be evidences that the violent partner has genuinely repented and if he or she wants the abused partner back, the hands of the violent partner must be tied with the law to prevent a repeat or relapse into violence against the abused spouse. He or she must sign legal papers (including an undertaking) that must be endorsed by witnesses before the abused spouse can return.
vii. PREPARE FOR LIFE WITHOUT THE ABUSIVE SPOUSE: A victim of spousal abuse must prepare himself/herself for life without the partner abusing him or her. That means that he or she must live with the reality of the situation and should not allow circumstances that will make him or her to return to the tormentor for one favour or the other. We have governments and non-governmental organisations giving micro-credit facilities and other forms of support for individuals in this category. One of the ways is to be economically stable, have a means of livelihood, engage in self-development, capacity building to be self sufficient and self reliant to be able to meet self needs and those of the kids. Nobody knows how long the separation may last and that is the reason why the abused spouse should pick himself or herself up, work harder to become successful and for the sake of the children who must be nurtured to greatness in life.